Hello. I am suicidal.

I have no purpose for this post. I honestly don’t even know who will see this. But I know need help. I have been embarrassed for the last 2.5 years of my depression. Over these last two and a half years, (not to be dramatic but…) depression has taken over my soul. It has changed my personality, my interests (or lack of), the way I talk, and the way I view the world. It has affected my relationships, decisions, and thoughts. My depression has progressed as an untreated illness… getting worse and worse. Sometimes something triggers it, and sometimes, nothing at all sends me into a dark downward spiral. I’m sick of being a slave. I want my life back. I don’t know how to get it, but I am going to try. But I need some help - it is going to take a lot for me to ask, because I am embarrassed. I like the praise that I’ve gotten for being strong. This is going to be my first cry out - granted this is an anonymous account, but it’s a big step for me. I am suicidal. I wish to be dead. I feel worthless. I feel like a burden to my friends and family. I feel like I bring negativity to those around me, and “damper” the mood. I feel like people would have more fun without me around. On days I have the energy, it is truly a fight not to end my life. I don’t want to die (but I do), but I feel like I deserve to. It’s a complicated and confusing mental battle. I’ve had way too many almosts. I have physical scars from those moments. I am ready to admit it. I want help. I want out. I want to be free. I am pouring it out to let it off my chest.